Rambling

Another sleepless night. This time, though,  it's my foot hurting that kept me awake, plus my digestive system being a bitch. I broke and took a Tramadol for my foot. I had no idea how much pain was being blocked there until I stopped the Tramadol. Wow. In case I haven't said it before,  I hurt my foot about 3 weeks ago, tripping over a litter box. In my defense,  we don't normally have a litter box in the hallway, but the kittens were much smaller then. (And it's not in the hall any longer either, lol) Plus, I was still taking a pretty heavy dosage of Tramadol then too, and wasn't walking very well. I would call and make myself an appointment with my regular doctor today, but it's a holiday. As much as I genuinely want off the Tramadol,  I'm not a masochist, so quitting it can wait a few more days.

I've had the same bathing suit for a couple years now... a black one piece. Growing up,  I always preferred a bikini, mostly because a one piece crawled up my butt. At a certain point, though,  I had to admit that even a tankini wasn't covering my old boobs, so I got the one piece. Now that I have smaller boobs again,  I kinda want to get a bikini. Now, however,  the fun part would be finding one to cover my butt. I fully admit that I am horribly overweight. I don't like it, I am not one of those "I'm not fat, I'm curvy" types, and I'm not the most confident person on my best days, but if I found a bikini I liked,  that fit me, I would wear it in public and go swimming,  opinions of others be damned. It's strange reaching that point in my thinking,  because I used to care too much about what others thought of me, and I was much skinnier and friendlier then. Right now, my focuses are raising my kids, getting a handle on my health, and supporting my husband.

I know this is a lot of random. Can't get back to sleep right now. Brain won't shut up. I'd like a little input from readers for a future blog post,  though. What are some things you dislike about your breasts? Is there anything specific you want to know about having very large ones? Other large chested women, what are a couple things you think others might be interested in knowing,  good or bad? Guys, feel free to ask questions too! You can post them here, anonymously if you want, or on FB if you have me. I'm trying to do a post on what it's like to be very large breasted, but don't know where to start.

Effing Tramadol

So, apparently sleeplessness is one of the withdrawal effects from Tramadol. I've been soooo close to asleep several times tonight,  and then a nerve would twitch, I'd have to pee, or I'd just snap awake. Even brought the dogs in tonight so the friendly neighborhood deer wouldn't have them barking. Killer headache isn't helping me out,  and Excedrin is barely taking the edge off of it tonight. Just took a melatonin,  so hopefully that will help. Every time I start feeling like I can't do this right now, I google "Tramadol withdrawal" and read other people's stories. Granted, most of them are detoxing after months or years of usage, but it helps me to know the mood swings, irritability,  restlessness,  sleeplessness, nausea and diarrhea are all a normal part of the process. I also tell myself I should be thankful that I haven't been on it longer than I have been.... but when I'm sitting here wide awake and crying for absolutely no reason,  well, it's frustrating.

In other news, the 2 dogs who sleep in my room are sprawled out on the floor sleeping so hard a parade of deer probably wouldn't wake them. They crash hard when they sleep inside. I'm more than a little jealous.

Nerves

Some of the nerves in my back are getting better.  I know this because it randomly feels like I'm being stabbed in the back,  with objects ranging from cactus thorns to stiletto heels. I suppose that's a good thing,  but oh man can it hurt. Fortunately, it only hurts for a second.

In other news, the other night I had a "freaking moron" moment, and decided to yank on my last staple.  It didn't hurt,  but I did have to have my husband get a pair of wire snips to finish removing it. Derp. Still no idea wtf I was thinking.

Also, I'm down to half a Tramadol a day, and planning to try zero a day starting Monday. Super happy about that. Been getting some nasty headaches,  but 2 (generic, thank you to infinity, WalMart) Excedrin take care of that. I can't think of any other time in my life that I've taken a serious pain killer for longer than 1 or 2 doses. Wisdom teeth out? Took Excedrin. Ditto for period cramps, headaches, joint pains, etc. I only vaguely remember when I had my tubes tied, but I don't remember any pain meds. I had that done the day after my son was born, so my memory there is super hazy.

Regardless,  I am liking how my healing is progressing. Getting back to "normal", one day at a time.

Another update!

So, my dr appt got moved from this Weds to next.  My right nipple is healing up pretty nicely, I think. It might look a little odd when it's done healing, but might not. Not that it'll matter to me either way! Today, I finally found the pill splitter we have, and took half a Tramadol... We'll see how that goes! I haven't been posting much lately because there hasn't been much to post about. My incision areas are a little tender, sore, itchy, and tight, but not any more than can be expected.

Missed staple

So, I used the front camera on my tablet to see it, and the staple I still have is totally fine... just needs removed. No skin over it, blah blah blah.  Have an appointment with my plastic surgeon Wednesday,  so no biggie.

Itchy!

My boobs are itching like crazy,  and not along the incisions like I'd expect,  but along the tops, where no cuts were made.  Been applying lotion, but that's not helping much. I wonder how normal that is?

Oh, and I found a staple my Dr missed. Oops? Lol. As many as I had,  I can't say I'm surprised.  I can feel it (with my fingernail), not see it, so no idea if some skin was over it or what.

Edit to add: Proof I have crappy skin... look at these new stretch marks!  Gee, that might be why my boobs itch... but why am I getting them? The swelling is going down and I've been wearing a bra!

Bra shopping

Went bra shopping yesterday. First off, it was way too damn hot in the store! lol Ok, so that may have mostly been just me. Anyways, I tried on several bras, and my dear husband kept trying to try on a D-cup, so I humored him... granted, it's very much dependent on cut, style, and brand, but let's just say he knows bras better than I do! 42D fit pretty dang perfect. I really thought I'd be a C, and some brands a C fits, but still... I'm thrilled to have a bra that actually fits correctly, though! And since the swelling is way down in my boobs, driving down the road was getting a bit painful, so I'm happy to have a good bra or 3. lol

Once I get all done healing up, THEN I'll go hunting for cute bras...

Quick thoughts

I'm feeling a LOT better.  I've even gotten back into playing my video games,  so YAY for that! Yeah, I'm a huge nerd/geek, and I'm totally ok with it. Lol. Today,  I am finally going bra shopping.  I'm excited.  I'm moving around a lot easier,  although my balance is so horrible I feel like a drunk epileptic octopus missing a few legs. Gee, who'da thunk it? 17 pounds removed from your chest is pretty huge. That's like a big Thanksgiving turkey. Or a small toddler. 

Instead of stopping the Tramadol cold turkey,  like I sorta did by accident last week, I've been using it very sparingly, but taking at least 1 within 24 hours. I'm almost at 24 hours now,  and am going to see how the day goes, see how far I can push it.  I do still have some discomfort,  but not enough that I feel comfortable with being on a pain killer for it.

My back is still a problem.  My lower back feels tight, numb, and like I've got constant pressure on it. However,  when I touch it, like scratching it or whatever,  I can't feel anything through my back. It's so, so, so much better than it was, though. When I first woke up, it felt like someone replaced my back muscles with concrete,  and poured liquid fire down it. It was awful. I plan to see a chiropractor soon, and go from there. I don't really know what can be done for it, other than seeing a chiropractor,  and possibly a physical therapist. I'm not going to stress it right now,  though.  I still need to finish healing up before I get too crazy.

One day at a time.

Permanent reminder?

You might not be sure what you're looking at,  here.  If you look right in the middle of the shoulder,  you can see a darker brown stripe. That would be a possibly permanent reminder of how heavy my old boobs were. Yep, that's a bra strap bruise. I haven't worn a bra in almost a month now. I was looking in the bathroom mirror and was like, what the heck? Oh well. Those days are a thing of the past! I may never wear a bra again!  ... Just kidding.  I'm comfortable with going braless for the time being, but the swelling is going down, and bouncing around on these roadways is just... No. Not happening, lol.

Oh, and I made sure the comments were open. Feel free to post, even anonymously. 

Withdrawal

Withdrawal symptoms suck. The ringing ears,  nausea,  etc... The headaches are pretty horrid, but, to me, the mood swings are the worst. I'm watching Firefly, and tearing up at random stuff that isn't all that emotional. This too will pass, right?

Nipple, pt 2

At my last appointment,  the PS cut the dead tissue off/out of my right nipple.  It looks and sounds worse than it feels.  I don't really have much to say about it at this point. Keeping a dressing on it, hope is that the dead tissue will slough off and the rest will regrow. 

Side note, I really need to get on my desktop computer and find out if the comments on this blog are active....

Tramadol

I've been on Tramadol for pain since my reduction.  The hydrocodone didn't touch my back pain. Right now,  I don't feel I need pain killers anymore.  I tried to stop taking the Tramadol 2 days ago. Last night, I took one just to get relief from the withdrawal symptoms. From what I've been reading,  I've experienced damn near every withdrawal symptom associated with Tramadol.  Sensitivity to smells, tinnitus,  mood swings, sweats and chills, nausea, diarrhea, insomnia, and more. I've had the shakes so bad I feel like I'm vibrating, I feel like crying at random for no reason,  and lettuce has become the nastiest smelling thing ever, other than a dirty bathroom. Right now I am trying to figure out what I can eat that won't churn my stomach when I actually try to eat it. I thought I was coming down seriously ill at first. I've been reading about Tramadol withdrawal online,  and right now I'm now sure how I am going to proceed. If it was a week day,  I would call my dr's office and discuss it with him, but, just my luck,  it's a Saturday. I'm not going to take any unless I just can't handle the symptoms,  but I would prefer to not even need that. I was on 50mg, taking 1-2 every 4-6 hours, not to exceed 8 per day. I carefully monitored how many I was taking and when, and had been only taking 1 at a time, no more than 4 a day for a few days when I decided I didn't need to take any more, since I wasn't in pain.

My recommendation?  If you can, don't take Tramadol. Take something else instead. This shit blows.

Update

Got my staples all out today,  and stitches too. The PS also cut all the dead skin around my nipple,  and some dead tissue out that was under that.  I'd post a picture,  but to be perfectly honest,  I'm still a bit grossed out by it. Plus it's got a bandage on it right now, so there is that. I was watching most of it, and didn't feel a thing (no pain killers,  numbing stuff, etc.) because all the stuff was genuinely dead,  but had to look away when I realized he was cutting into a hole. Ew.

3 weeks until my next appt. In the mean time, I just need to keep that nipple taken care of.  My back is feeling much better today,  and I even walked into my appt mostly on my own. I had to hold Philip's hand for balance,  lol. I swear I am like a giant toddler right now. But things are improving,  and I'm needing to take pain killers far less, which is great. I'm very happy to have Philip home. Where I might decide making food is too much effort,  he takes care of me. Which is good, because my stomach is currently not being communicative. I have no idea when I'm hungry, full, or whatever,  so I'm just guessing. The act of eating is mostly unappealing, so I'm not eating much.

This is how far back my staples went on both sides. Yep, all the way around both sides,  only not on my back. The lower red spot is where my drain was. I don't know where the hole on my right side is, but on my left I have one just above the staples where he did lipo as well. It looks worse than it feels.

More pics

I realized I didn't have any pics of the under side of my boobs to show those staples,  so here ya go. Notice how I have very little bruising. I'm pretty happy about that,  because I thought I would be bruised to hell and back. I didn't bruise where my drains came out or where they did lipo on  my underarms either.

Mental state

My husband has been out of town since Sunday,  and since then I've been on my own with the kids.  I've had moments where I have felt completely fine, mentally, and my thoughts are clear and fine. Today, I need to feel like that and I don't,  so I am being super careful.  Today I feel like I could just totally fall apart, but I can't.  My back pain is really getting to me. For the first time,  I am feeling some regret for having my reduction.  I hate feeling helpless,  and that's how I have been feeling.  Still, my kids need me to be strong,  so I'll just fake it til I feel it, I guess. About to watch my son's baseball game.  It's not his first game this year,  but it is the first I've made it to.  The weather is hot, but I have a nice shady spot with a fantastic breeze, so I feel good, other than my butt falling asleep on these hard bleachers. Yesterday,  I went out and got errands done without my walker,  but I am using it today. Not feeling as strong or as stable as I did, and better safe than sorry.

Tomorrow I have another appointment with my plastic surgeon,  and I get the rest of my staples out,  and hopefully find out the state of my right nipple. I think its just a dead skin layer, but I'm no expert.  I am still looking forward to being able to see a chiropractor,  but that is still a few weeks away.

I've been sleeping in my bed, and sleeping pretty well. I wake up a lot, roughly every 2 hours,  but I roll over and get right back to sleep. Still, I feel exhausted.  I went to bed at 9 last night, and other than getting the kids up and off to school,  didn't get up til 1 this afternoon. I need a vacation from life lol.

Nipple

My  right nipple is the only thing that is concerning me about my reduction. The PS isn't too concerned, and thinks it's probably just the upper layer that's like this, but is taking a "watch and see" approach right now. I'm trying to not freak out about it, since he's not, and he is the expert.

The right one....

And the left one for comparison. 

Progress

I'm starting to feel human again. It's been 5 hours since  I last took any pain meds, where I was barely makimg it 4 hours between a couple days ago. I also didn't get any more muscle relaxers.  I didn't feel they were doing any good.  My back does still hurt, but it's not putting me in tears at this point. It just feels numb and heavy, like I'm wearing a backpack full of lead. I can walk short distances without the walker too, so that's a good thing. I'm also a bit more clear headed,  which makes me happy. I'll give sleeping in my bed another try in a few days. Be nice to be able to!